This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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