I cockslap morals
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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