He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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