Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
