Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
