i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
