come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
