I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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