The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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