I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she peed on how many people?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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