Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
