Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
