Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
