We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
