I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
