If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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