maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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