He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
