$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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