So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
