somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Randomize
