I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
