There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
