there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
