My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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