I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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