I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
