i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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