Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
