We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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