Well apparently he's into motor boating.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
