Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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