neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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