went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
