If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
