Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
