Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
