i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
