She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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