so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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