Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
