You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
