I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
