Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
