your parents love me but you hate me
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just had sex on a roof
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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