he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
