I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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