I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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