I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
