She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
