If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
