i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
