i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
